Why I Hate Your Tinder Profile.

It’s been a little while since I updated my Tinder series and for the sake of being honest…I totally met someone on Tinder. Gross, right? Sounds weird to write out loud. Totally fucked up my blog plans, too. I had all these big dreams of me going on a zillion dates, Sex In The City style, getting wined and dined and meeting loads of new people. Writing blogs about my escapades and all the terrible but hilarious things that had happened. Currently, that’s all been ruined. It’s obviously very early days – maybe the sadists in you will get lucky and everything will fizzle out super quick and I can hop straight back on the Tinder wagon but I wouldn’t be comfortable dating any one else at this stage. Me and my Tinder squeeze have actually seen each other a lot since I last wrote. A weirdly large amount of dates in a short space of time but I’m trying not to worry what other people might say or what’s ‘normal’ and just do what we want. I like hanging out with him, I think he likes hanging out with me so we might as well hang out as regularly as we like/have time for before one of us inevitably changes our minds, gets bored and it’s back to square one. (says the pessimistic realist)

Rather than trying to explain how this one nerd made it through the Tinder net, I thought I’d post a little bit more about the ones that didn’t. I took a load of screenshots after the last time I wrote about this, so there’s a bunch I hadn’t managed to mention in the original blog post  Things That Make Me Swipe Left On Tinder (check it out if you missed it!) It’s much easier to get put off by someones Tinder profile than it is for someone to catch your eye, the reasons for swiping no can be pretty vast whilst the yes swipes are rarer than Dragonite.

I’m not attracted to you. Thought I’d get the mean part out of the way first. Sounds super shallow but yeah, honestly, if I don’t find you at least potentially a little bit attractive then it’s not going to go anywhere. There’s no knowing fully from Tinder photos but I’ll obviously know whether I think they’re good looking or not, or if their bio gives me instant attraction or avoid vibes. This includes cringe photos – topless selfies aren’t always the end of the world but I’ve seen so many where the guy is wearing a t-shirt but has it pulled up and resting above his nipples…that is just weird. It’s weirder than just being topless, take it off or don’t. I’d also avoid anyone that strongly goes against things that are important to me or take up a big chunk of my life. For example, anyone anti-fitness, anti-vegetarian or generally unaware of animal cruelty related issues. Note that this attitude is very different to someone that doesn’t work out and eats meat, those things don’t bother me. Ideally I’d meet a vegetarian that works out but I’m not going to limit myself that much right now. I know everyone has different views but pictures of dudes with drugged out tigers, standing on dolphin noses or holding some kind of animal abroad in a photo-op type situation is so not my thing. Personal choice, I know, but I don’t like it. Really awful spelling/punctuation does my head in as well. Small mistakes are fine – I’m fully aware I’m not even that good with it myself but the below profile just kills my soul a little. 25 years old and you still type like this…almost acceptable but surely you could just not do it for this little dating bio, just this once, please?

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Random capitalised words, two totally in capitals, wid, m8s…even ‘Well Ladies’ makes me wince.
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28years old. Loves meety meats.

You seem like a right twat. A straight-up, no holds barred, twat. You probably think you are hilarious and a proper Bantersaurus Rex but it just makes me shudder. Obviously everything on Tinder is based on judgements, so in now way am I saying these men are any of these things that I think, just it’s how I digest their profiles and make my decision on swiping. There are more profiles than you’d expect that literally tell you to ‘fuck off’ as you read them or are generally just really offensive, I’ll delve into that a bit more later.

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cool story, bro.

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There are different ways that this could be worded that would make it acceptable ‘banter’. However, as it is, never taking anything seriously…not attractive. Winding people up, smoking, boozing, harsh insults etc…not attractive. The term ‘hamster abortion’…definitely not attractive. This is obviously someone trying pretty hard to be funny but I just leave the profile by swiftly eye rolling myself into another dimension. The comment on his ‘experience’ screams bitterness to me. There are so many bitter profiles on Tinder, complaining about stuff they hate that girls do or bad past experiences. Why is that all you have to say for yourself?! I think every boyfriend apart from my most recent ex has cheated on me but that’s not my opening line. I deal with creepy men all day, every day online and, somehow, that didn’t make it into my Tinder profile either. You’re supposed to be getting people interested in speaking to you. Who wants to talk to a self-indulged and self-pitying whingebag? I’m sure there’s some appeal to someone but definitely not me at this stage in my life. The below profile could have simply put across that he’s fun and likes cakes, cats and geeky stuff which sounds way more my type already. I love cake, cats and still play Pokemon Go but this was a definite left-swipe I’m afraid. Another one closes his bio with, “This app is a waste of time”…alright, grumpy guts, delete it then and stop wasting everyone elses time, yeah?bitter1.jpg

You try too hard. Good guy in a bad world” alongside your topless selfie in bed…no, no, no. Anyone that says “work hard, play hard” or mentions that they’re a nice guy unlike ‘the rest‘. Sometimes I did find peoples profiles ‘too nice’…too soppy, too serious, it feels like pressure and I think makes me assume they are immature to be going in full pelt on an online Tinder bio. It seems a bit disingenuous, someone that wants to be in a relationship for the sake of it rather than meet someone they click with, someone that says all of the right things (or so they think) or someone just so ‘nice’ that they come across like a bit of a soggy biscuit. Personally, I like men to have a bit of charm and cheekiness to them rather than being total wet blankets. Maybe I’m just a total emo and this stuff just doesn’t personally resonate with me as it might with others.

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Lot’s of profiles are waaaay too long, so much writing to read that really doesn’t need to be there and many have a weird almost role-play-like theme going on.One reads; “relationships are based on a solid point based system. For full T’s & C’s contact the patent holder”…kinda lame but could be funny, I guess. For some reason I actually matched with this guy as I was unsure of the vibe in this humour but the conversation went as follows:

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First up – I’m fully aware I’m being a massive dick here. I so was not in the mood and talking about the effort he would or wouldn’t put into impressing me just made me roll my eyes and so I gave him some brutal honesty back. I think it seemed kind of arrogant and I wanted to take him down a peg, like he thought he was being so clever…Very Dennis Reynolds. Either that, or I was just annoyed that I’d made a bad judgement and matched with this guy.

You give me proper sexist vibes. This ones the cherry on the cake and probably responsible for far too many of my left-swipes. It bothers me on different scales but still comes back to the same principles. Sometimes I’ll make this judgement purely on the photos; way too much nudity = lad vibes. This includes being naked except for patent leather lederhosen with your legs open, foot in an empty pizza box and putting on what I assume you would refer to as ‘the gun show‘. Wearing only a Santa Claus Mankini and Christmas hat, or nothing but a leaf over your man bits is also a no from me. I’m not really into the lad stereotype that this sort of stuff perpetuates, even though they might not be like that at all, these photos are all I have to go on and I have to try and make a reasonable judgement. One of the previously mentioned terrible bios also had a photo of him with a blow-up doll…Cool.

Lot’s of profiles are a concoction of different offensive attitudes and negative attributes – it was kind of hard to differentiate between twat, sexist, bitter or try-hard for some of them. The guy below obviously thinks he’s funny but he’s still cringing me out massively. The whole “daddy issues” comment along with the use of the word dick and his nickname for Instagram make me shudder so much. I repeat, you do not need to list your bitter dislikes as your Tinder bio.

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Continuing on track with bios criticising girls looks, lots of guys complain about make-up, the way girls dress etc and it’s just so irritating. These things aren’t even relevant to me – I don’t wear a lot of make-up, have daddy issues, seek attention, wear padded bras or even know how to contour but it STILL irritates me so much to read this kind of crap indirectly aimed at other women. Your profile is about you, you absolute empty soul.

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Wow, mic drop, what a badman.

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Another avenue off of the same issue is overtly sexual bios. I’ve posted a few before but there’s a couple I missed out that I’ll wrap up with for your viewing and sexual pleasure, you lucky devils.

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This one put images in my head that made me do a sick in my mouth.
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This guy looked at least twice his Tinder age, coupled with gross half-naked selfies this bio didn’t take me to a happy place. Scary to know he’s only 3km away, too…
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Now, I get the implication here…but I actually don’t really understand how it makes sense written like this? Can only assume he’s as terrible and clumsy with both the options he’s offering as he is with his writing, left-swipe city.
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I know this is meant to be punny funny but I could not be more bored of sex puns on Tinder profiles. My eyes be rollin’ more than Chamillionaire in 2005.
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This one just totally radiates arrogance to me, I highly doubt he has a stream of actual real-life women on Tinder begging to meet him. “I want a gf who does whatever I want” makes me never want to do what anyone wants ever again. On the other hand, if he’s looking for an actual sub then I don’t think Tinder is the place, join a fetish site, dude.

Thanks for reading – I’d love to know what you guys want to hear me writing about, now that I’ve kinda started dating someone I won’t be going on any other dates to write about! I can take this down the fun route, more like a social experiment and keep Tinder up to see what I come across – if anyone had any suggestions then please do let me know! I’ve also had a lot of guys asking me to analyse their profiles so that could be another post. I’ll update my Fitness series soon and then again at the end of the program, I could start writing about photography in general or I could even host some stories to do with other Tinder experiences via people I know? Leave a comment below with what you’d like to hear more about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Why I Hate Your Tinder Profile.

  1. Bantersaurus haha! I love that! It’s great that you’ve clicked with someone and I hope that it goes somewhere, even if it means this blog becomes something other than a tinder blog. You have such a way with words that keeps me reading!

  2. Bantersaurus haha! I love it! I’m glad you’ve managed to click with someone, even if it means you have to change your blog title! You have such a great way with words, it would be sad if you stopped blogging!

  3. The dating scene is never ever normal that’s why dating is either an enjoyable roller coaster ride or realizing that your seat have flown off the tracks and that your face is going to have an inevitable embrace with the tarmac. You do you babe, no rush anyways since to really know someone it takes three years. 😸

    Seriously there were tons of head shaking and stifled laughing. Close to a full on snot when I got to the Pokémon “banter” with slight panic as I reeled that bit of snot treating to leave my nose back, and all this time I’m trying to pay attention to my lecturer 😂

    Lastly this is pretty good insight, Im considering trying out tinder but I don’t want to come off as a try hard. Profile introduction ‘Music is Universal. Uniqueness is confidence. Art is my passion. Laughter is medicine.’ too try hard? Feels like those inspirational speakers on YouTube about how Row row row your boat is deep.🙃 Was thinking about changing that into description sentences about me would work better. What do you think? 🤔

    Lastly, tell us all about your dates. That is counted as a Tinder experience right? Like a process of finding the right guy? 😉

    1. I think it’s important to remember that, as with everything, everyone is different on Tinder. But yeah, personally, I would think that’s too soppy/try-hard because I guess I assume that’s inspirational kindness is fake haha…It doesn’t really say anything about you other than that you like some kind of art. For me, I think short bios are good but you need to get across something about yourself/your hobbies at the same time 🙂 BUT a girl that’s more into the type of bio you have would obviously like it and be more suitable for you than a grumpy person like me hehe.

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