Tinder gets old real fast. I’ve been finding it difficult to write for the blog because, to be honest, I just haven’t really been on Tinder enough for anything new to happen. After unmatching a bunch of guys that proceeded to find me on social media and moan at me about it, I’ve just been into swiping a lot less. In the past when I’ve said how much I wanted to have a go on Tinder, people have always told me ‘you’ll get bored within two weeks‘ and they were so right. Several of my matches just don’t talk (I don’t care, either) and then there’s a few I haven’t really been responding to myself…it’s so tedious! Especially when there’s usually going to be someone you’re talking to the most, everyone else just seems to fill a pointless, vain gap that really doesn’t need to be filled. Due to the nature of my work, I am inundated constantly with messages and notifications on a variety of social media platforms as well as professional and personal small talk to keep on top of. Texts, calls, Whatsapp, three email accounts, SG, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Sanpchat, Pinterest… plus my cats on Neko Atsume. Tinder quickly started to feel like another annoying social media inbox I had to check and reply to for the sake of it. But for the sake of what? I literally don’t even know, politeness? I don’t even know these people. Fear of missing out on Prince Charming or simply something I could actually write about? I’m not even sure what I think I’m going to find there when I open the app, which is pretty much only ever to check up on this one guy that made me a playlist on Spotify – I know, bit keen, but it’s the best fucking playlist ever! I’ve listened to it for at least a week straight. Tinder would be so great if it was for mate dates (men all over the world sigh at the thought of the friendzone) but having the whole romantic implication instantly makes it more difficult because if you really get along with someone but you aren’t sure if you’re interested then you do feel like you’re leading them on. With playlist-guy, we’ve only been sending a message back and forth every few days about the playlist so I think it’s clear where we both stand but…man, this playlist alone was worth downloading Tinder for. Most of the tracks I already love, it’s like he was in my little emo head but I’ll link some of my favourite tracks:
Have Mercy – Your Hair (I’d never heard this band before, I love his vocals!)
Writing is time consuming but writing about your personal life is twice as hard. When you’re looking into the world of dating and ‘dem feels’, the further along it gets the harder it is to be open and honest in your writing and that’s where I’ve found myself the past few weeks. If I keep writing about these people as I get to know them, I’m not writing about my interactions with strangers any more. I’ve been questioning myself SO much as well, questioning why I’m even on Tinder in the first place. Do I even want a relationship right now? I’ve really not been single long and I wasn’t even really looking to meet anyone, which I think is half the problem on Tinder, it’s full of girls like me haha. But why am I so interested in the world of dating when it’s so alien to me? The idea of going on multiple dates with different men really does not appeal to me but for some reason I want it to. In school and my teenage years I was always labelled a prude, girls in school spread rumours that I stapled my clothes to my skin so that no boys would ever touch me…I was 12. So yeah, boys definitely shouldn’t have been touching me! It was an all girls school anyway, so added to that was the usual ‘she must be a lesbian‘ rumours all because I hadn’t had sex with anyone (I hadn’t even kissed any boys at this age) and the boys were just as bad, ‘frigid’ was a huge insult when I was a teenager and that’s what everyone said about me. It was one of those things like an American Teen Movie where you don’t want anyone to find out you’re frigid (or in the films usually just using the word virgin) because it’s really embarrassing but part of me was always just like…I’M TWELVE! Of course I’m a frigid virgin, be serious. Now, though, I *wish* I could just staple my clothes to my skin haha and being frigid just isn’t even a thing – but I have always been a bit shy and quite picky. I think that’s fine but I definitely have issues around the idea of wishing I wasn’t so ‘frigid’ and could be more carefree like everyone else but it just isn’t for me. It seems normal and the fact I’ve never been part of that ‘scene’ makes me feel like I’m missing out on something I should like but I just don’t. I just find it all very weird, even the idea of talking to more than one person let alone dating. I don’t think I feel attraction in the same way as most people either, which makes something like Tinder super difficult from the get-go. Even though I’ll know I like someone within minutes of talking I don’t get anything like that when looking at someone. I literally never see a man, even an actor in a film or whatever and purely on aesthetics think ‘I’d swipe right to that’…it doesn’t happen. It’s like that part of my brain is broken. Talking to someone, though, is a different story. My whole life I have gotten to know people online, that goes for friends too. Behind the comfort of your keyboard it’s easier to be open and openness and honesty is something I really thrive on with all of my connections and relationships, something that coming out of my past relationships I’ve realised is really important to me. Not having that open, transparent connection just doesn’t work for me in the long run. When talking to someone online it’s like you’re getting the real them – even though they have more time for what they’re saying to become contrived, it reminds me of your ‘head voice’, what you’re actually thinking, you can get the tone and humour from it too whereas in real life we tend to project a version of ourselves we want people to see, more reserved, trying to impress, less risk taking. Online, people will just say it. Getting on with someone is one thing but knowing if there is/could be anything more there is pretty difficult for me unless I know them better. For this reason, I probably do tend to over familiarise myself with people quicker online whilst also putting off actual real life dates until later on because dating is really bloody scary. I’m SO indecisive with everything and at the end of a date, you are kind of expected to decide right then whether you’re in or out and even just not kissing someone on a first date is like a massive rejection. It all makes me feel very put on the spot, pressured, guilty and everything then just feels awkward and confusing. To be attracted to someone I feel like I need to know everything about them, their lives, their thoughts, their opinions, their passions, what makes them tick and ask a thousand other questions! All these things can completely change how I view someone but the worst part about dating is the uncertainty. I don’t want to waste anyones times by ‘leading them on’ and potentially hurting them by continuing to date them only to make a later ‘rejection’ worse and I probably worry, too, that I don’t want to get attached for the same reason but, on the other hand, how am I supposed to decide unless I date them for a while?! I’m a classic over thinker and dating certainly triggers this to quite some degree. Like many women I’ve been simultaneously dubbed an ice queen and over-emotional most of my life so dating is definitely a bit of a minefield in that sense. I don’t know my own mind half the time and my only way of dealing with is it to try and go with the flow in the moment, I worry a lot about what other people think. What if people think it’s too soon? and so on.
I did go on my first Tinder date though. My first organised date was pipped to the post by a last minute plan so he then became my second date. My first date with #S was really good though and definitely put my mind at ease about the idea of meeting someone for a date being so scary because it really wasn’t. I had a great time which resulted in 100% intentions of seeing him again, we had a couple drinks and a bit of food over a few hours at a nice, new bar. It was pouring with rain so when I got there I couldn’t see a thing thanks to my soggy glasses but eventually I spotted him inside and he had got me a prosecco ready which was really nice, my fave! We really got on, he’s good looking, seems genuine and we have lots of shared interests and things to talk about. He seems to be in a really good place in his life which is definitely something I’d ideally like in a potential boyfriend plus something about him was just really warm and stopped my nerves instantly. We stayed in the bar until it closed and it was a really good date! I was proud of myself for going and having a good time and thoroughly impressed with my first date.
A few days later I had a date with the one we dubbed catbum and that was a totally different story – I was SO nervous! I don’t know where it came from but I think it stems from the fact we’d started talking all day every day pretty much and so much more was at stake to see if we would get on or not ‘in real life’. It’s scary! Online we get on so well and he’s 100% my personality type, nerdy introvert with a bit of a cheeky side. I got ready for the date, it was just a coffee in the day time but on my way out of the door I started to just feel really nervous, that I looked stupid and we wouldn’t get on and I guess also some nerves that what if we *do* really get on but he’s secretly a massive bellend, I’ve misjudged the whole thing already and I’m going to end up getting hurt or looking silly. I don’t know exactly what happened in my silly brain but I freaked out the whole way there, made myself more and more nervous and then when I met him outside the coffee shop, he was clearly also very nervous. I managed to introduce myself and fake confidence for all of about 2seconds before blurting out how nervous I was, he said he was nervous too and although we talked for hours and I knew I liked him, I just felt so awkward! It was really annoying because I felt like we definitely had it in us to get on really well but we were just both too nervous and I think we needed one of us to take the lead and not be but, alas. There wasn’t any point where I wanted to leave the date though, I never felt uncomfortable and I rambled on nervously for hours. I was still really interested in him though and I felt comfortable talking to him, opening up to him and everything but there was just a weird awkward air inbetween us like I could hear the introvert in us both, screaming ‘why am I like this?!’ The actual conversation wasn’t strained at all there was just this very odd tension that really needed to go away. We arranged a second date to have a few drinks, I felt like maybe the alcohol on my date with #S may have also helped so why not repeat the formula and it totally worked. Second date was much better and the third date was better still. Although now I’m left in a place where I had planned to have a second date with #S but now feel like it would be a sordid affair. It’s crazy, but I guess it’s why I’ve never dated before, I’m picky with who I talk to and I think I judge really well in advance if I will get on with someone in that way or not so testing the water with loads of different people is never going to work for me. On the positive side, this foundation laying means I’ve never had to experience liking someone that doesn’t like me back because I just don’t get myself in that position. Online dating does put you in a position to ‘click’ with multiple people at one though, which is an odd concept and not something that happens often day to day.
So, I don’t really know what to do now. We have a fourth date planned, I feel like I should be going on some other dates inbetween just for the sake of not putting all my eggs in one basket – but I don’t really want to, which I know is so stupid. To be honest, I don’t even have the time! My should-brain and want-brain just argue constantly though. I feel like I’ve massively failed at dating already by essentially binning off the single life to chat to this weird catbum guy. It just feels like everyone makes such a big deal of being single and time to yourself when really I should be concentrating on what feels right to me – which totally isn’t that! I’m not a good single person. I can either see how it goes with Mr-Fourth-Date, which is what I want to do right now or remind myself that I’m single and I’m supposed to be experiencing dating properly. I DON’T KNOW! Why have I failed so hard at dating and why does that even matter?! Dating at 26 is so much harder than dating at 17…there’s this weird focus on time-wasting. Still young enough to have fun but old enough that everyone around you has mortgages and is getting married.
Positive sidenote: For anyone that’s been reading this blog from the first post, you’ll be pleased to know that I bought a ticket (yes, a singlular ticket for the single lady) to see Jon Richardson in my hometown. It’s all happening so fast.